Charlton Heston dies
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5463896/
Actor Charlton Heston died Saturday at the age of 84. Heston starred in many classic films throughout his career such as Ben Hur, The 10 Commandments, Planet of the Apes, and Cats and Dogs. Heston also spent some time later in his career as the president of the National Rifle Association. Authorities suspect that he was killed by “damn dirty apes”. There was no word at press time about whether or not the coroner had managed to pry the weapons from his cold, dead hands.
monkeys attack Indian politician
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7055625.stm
A politician in Dehli, India was killed this week by a pack of violent rhesus monkeys. Officials in Delhi are exploring options that may allow them to avoid a repeat of this incident. Already the city council has banned the wearing of suits made of banana skins. The leading solution at this point seems to be bringing larger and more violent langur monkeys into the city to take care of the rhesus monkeys. Experts expect the langur monkey problem to be solved by importing silverback gorillas. The gorillas will then be taken out by tigers and the tigers by lions. The lions won’t be dealt with at all because nothing eats lions. At this point, the city fathers expect the 12 remaining citizens to commit suicide. Apparently, they’re entirely unfamiliar with the story of the old woman who swallowed a fly.
In related news, the Bush Administration announced plans this week to install a new anti-monkey weapon in space. Insiders at the Defense Department expect it to cost three hundred fifty trillion dollars and take thirteen years to develop. The contract has already been awarded to Halliburton.
Man fucks picnic table
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/strange/news-article.aspx?storyid=105778
Arthur Price, of Bellevue, OH was arrested this week for having sex with his picnic table. Police became aware of Price’s activities when they received three dvds of the acts from one of his neighbors. Police say that the videos show Price entering the yard, tipping the table on its side, and then entering the table. The videos also show him cleaning the table up afterwards. Price’s lawyer is trying to use the cleaning angle to show that his client isn’t a complete scumbag. He has been charged with first degree abuse of an underage umbrella ring.
Price admitted to police that he had sex with the table in the yard as well as in the house. Picnic table relationship experts tell Fred News that taking your picnic table to romantic locales, such as the living room, is a good way to ensure lasting intimacy.
Ricki Rockett rape charge
http://www.chartattack.com/damn/2008/03/3104.cfm
Poison drummer Rikki Rockett was arrested and charged with rape this week after arriving back in the United States from New Zealand. Rockett’s real name is Richard Allen Ream. Psychologist Vince Neil told Fred News that he was surprised that a guy with the last name Ream hadn’t been charged with a sex crime yet. The charges stem from a September incident in Mississippi. Poison head dilettante Bret Michaels spoke with Fred News. When asked about the incident he replied quote “We never should’ve toured with David Copperfield. I knew this was going to happen.” End quote. Michaels then pulled a quarter from behind our reporter’s ear.
Don’t forget to check out frednews.livejournal.com for notes and links from tonight’s show. Also, I’m walking in the 2008 AIDS Walk New York and I’m looking for sponsors. Details can be found at frednews.livejournal.com.
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Sex offender running for mayor
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23766302/
A registered sex offender is running for mayor in Wilmer, Texas. Brian Sliter was arrested in 2004 for attempting to solicit sex from a fifteen year old girl that he met on the internet. Insiders say that Sliter decided that 2008 would be the year to do it, when he realized that the girl was now legal. Sliter is currently a few years into the ten year probation sentence that he received as punishment for the incident. His probation officer is said to be annoyed to have to approve all of the trips to city council meetings that he plans to make.
Sliter is the first person in the history of the state of Texas to commit a crime without being executed for it. Insiders point to his status as a Caucasian man without any clear signs of mental retardation as determining factors.
For his part, incumbent mayor Don Hudson claims that having a pedophile as their mayor would be an embarrassment to Wilmer. Hudson was previously unconcerned about the embarrassment of living in a town named Wilmer.
Sliter has said publicly that he really enjoys the “baby-kissing” aspect of campaigning.
Sliter’s campaign slogan is: “It’s ten o’clock, do I know where your children are?”
Texas election insiders expect Sliter to do well among people with IQs below 80 and expect Sliter to win based on the size of this section of the Texas voting base. R Kelly could not be reached for comment.
Clinton lies about Bosnia
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080325/ap_on_el_pr/clinton_bosnia;_ylt=As1Nv8ciqYBOtZa.cCn0JTqs0NUE
Hillary Clinton had some troubles this week with the messy divorce from the truth that she’s been going through. Clinton told a crowd that she survived sniper fire on a 1996 trip to Bosnia with Sinbad. Clinton related how she had to run with her head down from the plane to her waiting car. The problem with that? The videos on YouTube that show her walking calmly from the plane and also attending a welcoming ceremony with Bosnian children and teachers. Sinbad is presently awaiting trial at the Hague for the jokes that he told the poor Bosnian people that he came into contact with. Insiders expect him to be convicted and executed.
In its defense, the Clinton campaign has tried to portray these prepared remarks as a misstatement. Also, they contend that the Obama campaign has nothing good to say about their candidate, so they’re focusing on this. Sadly, the Clinton campaign has so little good to say about their own candidate that they’re saying there’s nothing good to say about Obama.
Clinton lies about Northern Ireland
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/22/us/politics/22irish.html?fta=y
In related news, Hillary Clinton continued to be dogged this week by charges of dishonesty. Insiders speculate that she’s confused and doesn’t understand the distinction between the words president and Pinocchio. This time, the controversy centers around her involvement in the 1999 Good Friday Accord talks that brought peace to Northern Ireland. Clinton claims to have been an integral part of the negotiations during her time as First Lady. As the story has progressed, it seems that everyone involved has a different opinion of her role. Insiders speculate that they’re all lying.
We at Fred News decided to do this story for two reasons. First of all, it’s Hillary Clinton lying again and who doesn’t love a running theme? Secondly, we were drawn to it by the comments of David Trimble who called Clinton’s assertions “a wee bit silly” and went on to say: “being a cheerleader for something is slightly different from being a principal player.” That was just so remarkably mean-spirited that we couldn’t help but run it.
Paterson used cocaine
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23785969/
Newly inaugurated New York state governor David Paterson has had a quite a turn in office so far. In his first week in office, he admitted to having affairs with a series of women in the past. He also admitted that his wife has had extramarital affairs as well. There were also some questions about whether he had gotten jobs for women that he’d been intimate with. As the story came out, it appeared as though he’d had sex with every woman that had stayed at a Days Inn in New York State in the last fifteen years.
This week, his second in office, Patterson admitted to having once killed a man in Reno just to watch him die and also to having using cocaine and marijuana as a young man. Paterson supporters have latched onto his blindness as a defense. Randy Jacobs spoke with Fred News and said: “He’s blind. He doesn’t know for sure that it was cocaine that he snorted. It could’ve been pixie dust for all he knows.”
New York State residents are becoming, by and large, nervous about what his future admissions may be. Insiders expect him to next admit to participating in a midget gangbang or clubbing a baby seal. I guess that we’ll have to keep our eyes peeled. Stay tuned.
Smashing Pumpkins suing Virgin
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080325/ap_en_mu/people_smashing_pumpkins;_ylt=AgnuVzNWuOdKnvCnhpbqQjms0NUE
The band the Smashing Pumpkins announced this week that they’re suing their former record label Virgin Records. The band claims that they’ve spent twenty years earning goodwill with their fans by maintaining their artistic integrity. Integrity, that they say, that was damaged by Virgin’s licensing of their music to Pepsi for use in commercials and promotional campaigns. Music industry insiders have told Fred News that their credibility has sustained the most damage in light of the fact that they haven’t released a good album since 1995.
In related news, Pearl Jam is suing all of the radio stations that have played any of their music that has been released since 1994’s Vitalogy. They claim the stations have damaged their credibility by exposing existing and potential fans to work that is not their best. Industry insiders hope that this will make front-man Eddie Vedder angry enough to make decent music again. The world awaits the answer.
Obama related to Brad Pitt
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080325/ap_on_el_pr/candidates_genealogy;_ylt=Aj.wAyxSEL8dLlch3sSLNKGs0NUE
According to an AP story from this week, Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt. Neither Pitt nor Obama had confirmed this by press time. However, we at Fred News believe it to be true as we can clearly see the resemblance.
Obama church “crucifixion”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080324/ap_on_el_pr/obama_church;_ylt=AjX1VGvKY.PhS6LUsrg70dqs0NUE
The Rev. Otis Moss III spoke this week about the Rev. Jeremiah Wright controversy swirling around the Obama campaign. Moss is the new pastor of Wright’s Trinity United Church of Christ. In an effort clearly designed to rehabilitate the image of his church, Moss said: “Any time you go through a crucifixion experience ... eventually they have to lift you up”.
Fred News has done a survey and 94% of respondents replied “Holy fuck! Did that guy just compare making racist and anti-American statements to being the son of God?”
China
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23789051/
The Chinese government’s effort to be worse on their own people than the government of Iran has been helped in recent weeks by the upcoming Beijing Olympics. The Chinese government has been imprisoning and killing demonstrators, many of them monks. The full extent of the problem cannot be accurately surveyed because Chinese officials have banned foreign journalists from attending any of the protesting areas.
One of the issues is that the government has been forcing its citizens to attend “patriotic education” classes. The government announced this week that they plan to broaden the reeducation classes in an effort to “grasp and direct public opinion in the correct direction.” Sources close to the regime indicate that their idea of the “correct direction” that one’s opinion should be in is directly up your own ass.
Despite all of the unrest, death, and imprisonment, no country has yet come forward to announce that they will be boycotting the Olympics. Neither have any announced any kind of plan to stop this from happening. As a remedy to this, the monks plan to try to convince the world that China is in the Middle East so that someone will care about their freedom. Fred News spoke with the people of the Sudan and they responded “no shit.” Calls to the people of Rwanda were not returned.
whoops missiles
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23793653/
The Pentagon announced this week that it had accidentally shipped ballistic missile nose cones to Taiwan late last year. The shipment was intended to contain helicopter batteries. As if this weren’t enough to destroy your confidence in their competence, Pentagon officials only learned of the mistake after they were notified by Taiwanese officials who could clearly tell the difference between ballistic missile nose cones and helicopter batteries. Officials from the Defense Department announced that they would be hiring 1,000 four year old children with learning disabilities to help them avoid a recurrence of this issue.
The U.S. government went out of its way to make sure that Chinese officials understood that this was a mistake rather than a change in policy. China and Taiwan have been at odds for nearly sixty years and the U.S. has agreed not to sell weapons to Taiwan. Experts say the relationship with the tyrannical regime in Beijing will likely survive the news.
passport thing
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top_News/2008/03/26/outsourcing_passports_profound_liability/9799/
And in more unbelievable U.S. government news, UPI reported a story on Thursday that has many people disturbed. The State Department is in charge of issuing passports. The Government Printing Office prints the passports for them, or at least they’re supposed to. The GPO is actually outsourcing U.S. passport printing to a firm in Thailand and a firm in Europe. And the best part is that the GPO is charging the State Department two times the cost of the printing. Yes, that’s right. One arm of the government is making money off of another and we’re all paying for it.
The passports are sent to the company in Europe which places microchips into them. Then, the passports are sent to Thailand to have radio transmitters placed into them as well. When asked by Fred News about the need for radio transmitters in passports, GPO spokesman The Big Bad Wolf replied: “the better to track you with my dear.”
So to sum up, the GPO decided to save money by outsourcing secure documents to firms in foreign countries in an effort to make money. I, for one, applaud their entrepreneurial spirit.
Pro-life Richardson
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/03/19/national/main3949353.shtml?source=RSSattr=Politics_3949353
Marvin Pro Life Richardson has legally changed his name to simply Pro-Life. He’s running for the Idaho senate seat vacated by Larry “I’m not gay I just have gay sex a lot” Craig. Richardson’s name will read Pro Life on the ballot. Insiders say that he’s hoping that people vote for him as a way of expressing their support for his pro-life views. Insiders also say that the names “douchebag” and “Tell me how to live my life o wise stranger” were his second and third choices.
Gas hits $3.26
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23777279/
The national average for the cost of a gallon of gasoline has risen to $3.26. Insiders say that the price is rising with the increase in demand that spring will bring. Experts expect the price to continue to rise and predict that soon people will begin sucking dick for gas. Economist John Holmes told Fred News: “clearly that’s the way it’s going.” Gas stations nationwide have already begun stocking up on snacks and beverages in anticipation of the groups of people expected to be hanging out at gas stations this summer.
Message in bottle takes 21 years to arrive http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080323/ap_on_fe_st/message_in_a_bottle;_ylt=AmWbJP34mmK686XQkhr02fes0NUE
A fourth grader from Seattle sent a message in a bottle that was found recently by a beachcomber in Alaska. The girl sent the message twenty-one years ago. The post office is said to be studying the ocean as a new model of efficiency. Insiders expect the improvements to cost at least forty-five cents more per letter and take a bit longer than throwing a bottle in the ocean.
Jamie Lee Curtis naked in AARP
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23747340/
AARP announced that Jamie Lee Curtis will be appearing topless in an upcoming issue of their magazine. Grandfathers and grandsons across America are rejoicing as they now have something in common: the desire to cancel their subscription to AARP magazine. Fred News did a survey and 71 percent of respondents vomited when they heard the question. The other 29 percent made a lame joke about time machines.
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